Your mission, should you choose to accept it, Felix Vaga, involves a daring jaunt into a secure network, because what else would you do on a Tuesday night? Apparently, there’s a juicy little weakness in their system that’s about as secure as a sunbather in a nudist colony—but hurry, it’ll vanish faster than Roberto el Charlatán’s motivation to hit the gym in the next twenty-four hours!

You are about to embark on a covert mission with the super-secret codename “Kill Robeto,” which is not related to any supernatural activities—promise! Your task? Deploy a fancy payload designed to sneak in a backdoor and make off with some juicy sensitive data. But heads up! This mission is riskier than trying to sneak snacks into a movie theater; getting caught is a big no-no! If things go south, our agency will pretend they’ve never heard of you—poof, like a magician’s trick!

Intelligence suggests that Roberto el Charlatán and his merry band of misfits are cooking up their very own malware, and trust me, it’s not your run-of-the-mill digital nuisance! This highly sophisticated spoonful of trouble is designed to wreak havoc on unsuspecting systems and networks by endlessly looping Roberto’s monologues over and over again—because who wouldn’t want to go a little mad listening to that? It’s like the ultimate audio torture; just imagine operators pulling their hair out while chanting, “Make it stop!”

In light of the (not-so-funny) seriousness of this threat, we need to jump into action faster than a cat chasing a laser pointer! Kicking this individual to the curb will give our global cybersecurity intelligence a nice boost—think of it like giving our ageing agents a “Sustagen” shake! Roberto know all about that! By rolling out our secret countermeasures and beefing up cybersecurity protocols, we can shield our precious data and infrastructure from the lurking dangers that could lead to disastrous messes—like spilling red wine on a white carpet! Spilling the wine was the disaster if you didn’t get it folks! Urgency is key here, and let’s keep our eyes peeled and wine glasses full in this epic showdown against the nefarious villain, Roberto!

You were chosen to lead this mission primarily because of your legendary melee combat skills—skills so refined that even your training partners have taken to carrying foam noodles for safety. Your knack for getting up close and personal with opponents makes you the team’s secret weapon, or perhaps just a really brave soul. Meanwhile, Kaito Nova, our resident tactical genius who thinks he’s a real-life action hero, will be on fire support, probably shouting catchphrases like “Pain is Temporary, Pride is Forever”, while you dive into the fray. And let’s not forget Dax Orion, a tech guru whose idea of fun is uploading malware like it’s a TikTok dance challenge, all while aiming to scramble enemy communications as easily as he scrambles eggs for breakfast. Together, this unusual band of misfits will form a not-so-average crew, maximizing chaos and—fingers crossed—success in this hilariously over-the-top operation.

This message is going to pull a disappearing act in five, four, three… poof! And just like that, it’ll be gone faster than your motivation on Monday morning!

Felix Vaga, sporting a determined gaze and fingers ready to trigger his imagination more than a bullet, stands poised to take a shot at the “hidden agent” (B), fully aware that the stakes are as high as his blood alcohol levels before a meeting with the in-laws. Meanwhile, the elusive Kaito Nova (1) has taken cover behind what appears to be an impressive collection of savoury biscuit boxes, his instincts sharper than his last haircut, allowing him to predict the plot twists like a seasoned soap opera fan. The air is so thick with suspense you could spread it on toast as both figures hide from each other, each weighing their options like a cat deciding whether to knock over a wine glass. With every passing second, the tension escalates faster than a cat video going viral, and the atmosphere buzzes with the unspoken understanding that only one will walk away victorious from this ridiculous face-off of epic proportions.

While all this chaos unfolds, Dax Orion takes a wrong turn and heads straight for a blunder! He thinks he’s zeroing in on the net node, but surprise, it’s just the surveillance mask throwing a costume party. How does a seasoned pro pull off such a spectacular rookie move? Well, at least it scored him two victory points — maybe it was all part of his master plan! It was, and Roberto el Charlatán was duped by the rouse.

Outmatched in close combat, Kaito Nova clings to hope like a cat clings to awaivering branch, his heart racing as he scans his surroundings for a miracle or, at the very least, a Mr Whippy truck. The sound of clashing metal fills the air, sounding suspiciously like a very intense kitchen utensil duel. Summoning all his strength, he fights back with the ferocity of a toddler denied a cookie and manages to deliver a crucial wound to his opponent, who momentarily pauses, probably contemplating life choices. However, Kaito is not without his own battle scars; he suffers two painful injuries in return, each blow a gentle reminder that living the superhero dream is not as glamorous as it looks. Despite the pain, he remains determined to survive, believing help will arrive just in time, perhaps riding in on unicorns, to turn the tide of battle.

No unicorns in sight, but fear not! Enter Felix Vaga, who sends in Roberto el Charlatán’s lady of the night like she’s fresh out of a clown college, her clumsy antics hilariously out of place in the tech circus. The room buzzes with the industrious sounds of rapid-fire data entry and caffeine-crazed hackers chugging coffee like it’s liquid gold. Yet, somehow, amidst this symphony of chaos, Felix struts in like he owns the digital stage. He tackles the task with the finesse of a master chef tossing a salad, and with a flick of his wrist, he magically turns her awkwardness into a comical dance, as if he’s directing a slapstick autopsy!

Controlling the surveillance mast is like playing a game of musical chairs for Felix’s team as they shimmy and shake around the net node, trying to outmaneuver each other while keeping an eye on the ever-watchful digital surroundings. Meanwhile, Roberto el Charlatán, perched atop the tallest building like a not-so-stealthy hawk with a flair for the dramatic, gleefully decides to ruin the party by taking out Dax Orion just as he’s about to hit the net node objective—talk about a dramatic entrance!

You’d think he had a flair for showbiz with such timing! A heinous deed indeed, but also a bit of a party pooper! More pooper than party, really, as the rest of the team now has to scramble in a frenzy, dodging metaphorical banana peels and trying to regroup, all while muttering about the unfair advantages of being high up with a clear view of the chaos below. It’s almost as if Roberto has set the scene for an action movie, complete with the classic exaggerated villain laugh echoing in the background!

With Felix having taken out Roberto’s hacker, it’s now Kaito’s turn to take a shot at the not-so-stealthy Roberto, who’s about as hidden as a neon sign in a blackout. The result? Well, it’s about as surprising as a buffoon being elected US president—Roberto takes a tumble right off the edge of the tall structure, proving that gravity really is the ultimate party crasher! But wait he hasn’t fallen.

Above you can see Roberto el Charlatán juggling his way through mid-air, hanging off the edge of the building like a clumsy clown, unable to plummet because his Holtzman suspensors have decided that gravity is just a suggestion. There he dangles, an eternal trophy proving that Guru’s acolytes are not just awesome—they’re awesooooooooooooooome, but with that slight hint of comedic flair!

Felix Vaga and Kaito Nova are the final two gladiators in this epic showdown, each scintillatingly aware that the destiny of their team hangs precariously in the balance—no pressure, right? As the dust settles like last week’s pizza, Dax Orion, looking like he just had a questionable encounter with a trampoline, decides it’s time to shake off Roberto’s hilariously awful shots that missed everything except his own inflated ego. This chance for comedic relief lets him pull a “let’s put our thinking caps on, everyone” moment, strategizing as if he’s playing “Pass the Pigs” while preparing for whatever ludicrous escapades lie ahead, all the while understanding that the battle is far from finished and every choice counts in this high-stakes, ridiculously funny game. Who knew giving Roberto a hard time could be this entertaining!

We are the champions, maybe not of the world but certainly of Roberto el Charlatán